40 Lessons From 40 Years
It's three weeks post the birthday high.
I'm writing this from Canggu, Bali, dressed in a coral Hunza G swimsuit, Macbook Pro burning my lap, and a pool of glistening blue water across from me. Above, meringue-like clouds float by.
I turned 40 on July 8th 🦀, and for the first six months of the year, like most, I was anxious about this next phase of my life. Waiting with bated breath for some big ah-ha moment where everything would and should snap into place. Except, everything remained the same. And instead of that big bang, I felt dipped in a sense of calm. Like diving into the deep blue pool before me, the water smothering all sound and thought, the warm sun refracting on my skin. This was not what I had expected, but I accepted. Oddly, it's as if I always knew what I needed to do.
With this in mind, and as my island holiday draws to an end, I thought now would be a good time to share what little wisdom I've gathered over the years. I will not lie; I first hesitated to put this together. Was it worth reading? Or, who would it help? Then I thought, f*ck it. These words I pen mean very much to me and celebrate a (STILL YOUNG) black woman and her four decades of ups, downs and all the learnings in between
While these are lovely lessons I've learned, most need practice, patience, perseverance and accountability to keep.
So, here we go.
Love is a verb, not a feeling: Love is intention followed by action. A mix of care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest and open communication.
There's an art to being alone: There is a difference between loneliness and being alone. One is a feeling or emotion; the other is a state of being. You need to be okay with being alone and sitting with yourself. See, validate, understand yourself, and be your best friend; your tribe will follow.
Choose courage over confidence: Practice courageous acts in all areas of your life. Confidence will be a byproduct of these acts.
Stay curious: Keep your mind sharp. Never stop asking questions.
Happiness is a choice: It's not about what happens to or around you. It's how you decide to view life. We all see our present lives as either worse than we expect or better than we deserve. That perspective determines everything.
Give yourself grace: Be patient. Be kind to yourself the way you are with others. You'll meet the goals you have in mind. You'll get there, I promise.
Stay open to feedback: Feedback from those we love or respect can be helpful and catapult you to the next great thing, but please remember the difference between being open and receptive vs relying on others' opinions.
Learn to navigate your ego. Your ego is the thing that makes up stories in your head—holding you back and trying to keep you in control. A great starting place is asking yourself, "Is that true?
It's okay to change your mind: It's called growth. Too often, we hold onto the notion that because we committed to something or said something, we must do that thing or think that way forever.
Being does not require doing: Doing less isn't about the doing—it's about the less.
Trust your gut: Your intuition is always right, so listen to yourself in the now. Your intuition is never about the future.
Follow your values: You can't be everything to everyone, so you might as well be yourself, and that's okay.
Love your body: Learn about it, understand it. Take care of it and cherish it. This is your only vessel in life. You were blessed with it.
Health is everything. If you're reading this and are healthy, you already live the dream.
Sobriety is difficult: But it is so so worth it. You're body and mind will thank you. You will thank you.
Journaling is a form of self-care: It helps to process your thoughts and feelings. Plus, it's nice to look back on your life’s journey.
Give yourself flowers: Both literally and figuratively. Praise yourself for your wins and for pushing through the hard times. Give yourself thanks and fill your home with flowers and plants because they bring you joy.
Boundaries can mean peace: You can establish a boundary without erecting a fence. Knowing your boundaries will help you get a grasp on what you're willing to accept, as well as what you need to reject.
Find your people: Community and building a trust circle of those you can lean on and have meaningful relationships is healthy and healing.
You will disappoint people: If you want to progress on the things that matter most, you must decide who you will disappoint. It's inevitable.
Discipline is not a punishment: It doesn't mean restriction or living a rigid life. It's a practice in focus and will help you achieve your goals. By having self-discipline, you are respecting yourself.
Tiny changes lead to big results over time: Remember to do the small things. What you may think is silly, like starting a 2-minute meditation, will lead you to be able to do great things.
Try the things you've been meaning to try: There is no perfect moment or ideal inspiration. Just take the class, get more creative and get your hands dirty. Do all of the things! You'll unlock new passions you wouldn't have thought possible.
You are enough: you were made to be you, as you are, on purpose.It is no mistake that you are this person, in this place, at this time.
The only constant is change: Be flexible and ride the ebb and flow of life. How boring would life be if it was all one straight line?
Control the controllable: There is no point stressing over what you can't control. It's looking subjectively and thinking, "What can I control here?" Which always comes down to my effort, attitude, and response.
Just go get it: You'll never get what you don't ask for or actively seek out. PLEASE JUST GO FOR IT!
Remember to play: Just have a good fucking time!
Home is sacred: Create a space that grounds you, inspires you and makes you feel safe. Giving access only to those that deserve to be that close to you.
Consume with intention: Don't buy something just to buy it. Accumulation of things will never lead to sustained happiness.
Self-love is the foundation of love: You will learn self-love only by building your self-esteem. The love you dream of getting from others, give to yourself.
It's never too late to do what you want: You're right on time—your own time.
Invite failure in: Failure means you tried! Perfection is debilitating and often leads to inaction. It's better to fail than always wonder what if.
It's okay to change your mind: It's called growth. Too often, we hold onto the notion that because we committed to something or said something, we must do that thing or think that way forever.
Practice gratitude: And realize how much love, kindness, health and wealth surround you. It is abundant.
"No" is the most freeing word in the world: By saying "yes" to everything, you're accidentally saying "no" to your own peace.
It's okay to say "I don't know": Knowledge is infinite, and you won't always have the answer, and that's okay.
Travel: Traveling is the single most effective way to learn about yourself, humanity and the world.
You're a work in progress: And that's beautiful. You are far more powerful, resilient and adaptive than you even realize. It's never too late to change and remake yourself.
There is no Ah-Ha moment: Despite what Oprah’s says, there is not one big realization, but small incremental learnings that finally have the space t come together and create that light-bulb moment. Stop waiting for the boom, life’s learnings are found in the small highs.
